


go and hold that lightning

by themoongirl



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:55:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22351438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoongirl/pseuds/themoongirl
Summary: Based on this post:You ever think about how Robbe’s seen Sander breakdown but Sander’s never seen Robbe breakdown? Imagine Robbe breaking down like he did after the phone call with his dad but…. in front of Sander? I think Sander would be ready to commit murder just to take Robbe’s pain away.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 11
Kudos: 398





	go and hold that lightning

Sander was learning.

Since the day he had broken down in Robbe’s arms in the art studio he was learning. Learning how to love Robbe the way he deserved, and learning how to accept the love that Robbe was giving him. Most days he wondered what he did to deserve the doe eyed boy. The boy who listened to the playlists he made him, who could tell from one glance that Sander wasn’t leaving bed that day, who didn’t pressure him, or look down on him, or dismiss his rambles. Someone who understood him on more levels than physical.

In Sander’s mind, what was more important than all of this, was that he made Robbe feel as loved as Robbe made him feel. Because Sander had put walls up in the past to protect Robbe from the toxic energy in his veins. Sander felt it flow through him, threatening to grab hold of any good thing and choke it. And Robbe was a good thing. Robbe wasn’t just a good thing. Robbe was the sun rising every morning, the stars twinkling in the sky, the moon watching over him. And Sander would spend the rest of his life making sure Robbe was aware of that.

So Sander studied him. He studied the way Robbe would stress himself out during exam period and forget to eat. Sander made sure to bring food every time Robbe invited him over for company, and Sander could see it in Robbe’s eyes when he was beginning to panic and needed a break. Sander studied the way Robbe’s eyes changed when they were in public and he was worried about the group of guys with hoods laughing obnoxiously while Robbe and Sander held hands, and he made sure to squeeze his hand extra tight for reassurance. 

Sander studied the way Robbe’s face fell when his dad called him. How Robbe often made excuses as to not see his dad for dinner, and how the only time Sander had seen Robbe truly angry was when he talked to his dad for too long on the phone.

-

It was the weekend and they had decided that Sander would spend it at Robbe’s. They had been cuddling in bed all morning when Robbe’s phone started ringing. Robbe groaned.

The screen said **Papa.**

Sander placed a hand on Robbe’s back as he answered it, sitting up and letting his legs hang off the end of the bed.

“Yeah?” Robbe spoke into the phone.

Sander stared at the way Robbe’s face scrunched together, at the way he started fiddling with the end of his shirt and how he abruptly stood up and started slowly pacing around the room, clearly unable to stay still.

“What?” Robbe asked into the phone, his voice breaking. Sander’s heart started beating faster at the sound.

Then Robbe was bolting out of the room. Sander stood up as well, not wanting to intrude, but he walked to the doorframe and listened at the top of the stairs.

Robbe was talking to his mom now and Sander tried to listen to the muffled voices carrying throughout the house. What Sander could understand is the way Robbe’s voice changed when he talked to his mom. He was softer, more delicate, and patient. He never yelled at her. If he was frustrated he didn’t let her see.

Sander could only make out bits and pieces of the conversation. 

“He can’t.”

“Don’t blame him, Robbe”.

Sander walked back into Robbe’s room and waited patiently on the bed, his feet on the floor, resting his elbows on his knees. 

Robbe wandered back in a few minutes later looking defeated and Sander was immediately on edge. Robbe sat down next to him and stared ahead at the wall, frozen. Sander didn’t touch him just yet, waiting for him to say something, not pushing too hard.

And then - Robbe let out a shaky exhale, and Sander’s eyes wandered to his face. A single tear rolled down his cheek, a broken inhale, and then he was sobbing.

It was the kind of sob where he was almost choking on it, his breaths coming in ragged and slow, his entire face burning red. Sander was wrapping his arms around him in seconds, holding him close. Robbe didn’t wrap his arms around Sander, he simply sat still and let Sander engulf him.

“Shhh,” Sander whispered, his entire heart breaking. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.”

Sander was running a hand through Robbe’s hair and Robbe turned his head into Sander’s neck, and Sander could feel the tears soaking into his neck. Sander kept muttering “shh” as he kissed his hair, his forehead, using his other hand to rub Robbe’s arm in silent comfort.

And Robbe was crying like a broken faucet that hadn't been released in a long time. He kept shakily exhaling as if he was trying to be quiet, but Sander just kept whispering. “It’s okay, love, it’s okay. Let it out. I’m here.”

Through Sander’s learning these past couple of months he had also noticed that Robbe’s love language is touch. Which made sense, considering Robbe had so much love to give and had spent so long locking that inside of him. With Sander, he expressed his love with lots of kisses, cuddling, holding onto him whenever physically possible. He expressed it through a hand on Sander’s knee at dinner, with holding onto Sander’s jacket when they kissed and not letting go until the very last second, with tracing Sander’s face in the morning.

Sander held Robbe tighter and kissed his neck, his back, his shoulder. When Robbe’s tears began to slow, Sander cupped Robbe’s face in his hands and used his thumbs to wipe the remaining wetness off of his face. His face was still scrunched in pain, but his eyes wandered up to Sander’s and looked at him. Sander offered a small smile as he kissed Robbe’s forehead again and leaned his own against Robbe’s. Robbe closed his eyes and they sat there in this moment for a few minutes.

Robbe moved first, hugging his knees to his chest and Sander positioned himself so his legs were on either side of Robbe’s. He placed his forearms on the top of Robbe’s knees and rested his chin on them, running a hand up and down Robbe’s leg. 

Robbe’s eyes were red and swollen. “He’s leaving her.”

Sander scrunched his eyebrows together. “I thought he-”

“- for good,” Robbe cut Sander off. “He’s decided he wants nothing to do with her.”

Robbe looked mad again. Sander, quite frankly, wanted to have a few words with Robbe’s dad. The few times Sander had seen Robbe with that look on his face it had been because of this one man. Maybe it was better that Sander didn’t meet him.

“I’m just-” Robbe began. “If he wants nothing to do with her, then I want nothing to do with him. But I know I’m going to be forced.”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“But if it makes my mom happy I will,” Robbe continued, hugging his knees closer to his chest. “And she doesn’t realize how fucked it is what he’s doing. Because she-”

Robbe cut himself off, suddenly looking hesitant to say more.

“Robbe, you can say it,” Sander could tell by the look on his face that he was scared of offending.

Robbe fiddled with his fingers, so Sander reached forward and held them in his hand. Robbe looked at him. “She doesn’t… think he deserves to go through what she puts him through. She thinks she’s toxic.”

Sander went quiet, looking at Robbe’s hand in his. He knew that feeling all too well. In fact, he had said those exact words to Robbe in the art room. It had taken him awhile to believe Robbe when he said he wasn’t that way, but on his bad days he was back to square one. 

Sander traced the top of Robbe’s hand with his finger. “Ah.”

“I just see it now,” Robbe spoke quietly. “He never loved her.”

Sander looked up at Robbe. “You don’t know that.”

“No, I do,” Robbe spoke slowly. “If he did, he wouldn’t leave her like this. If he ever really loved her… no amount of struggle would be too much. He would do anything to see her smile again.”

Sander couldn’t take his eyes away from Robbe’s. Even red and swollen, the brown still shined so bright. Like pools of honey swimming against the white, the irises staring deep into Sander’s soul. 

Sander offered a tiny smile. “Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”

It was Robbe’s turn to cup Sander’s face in his hand. He used his thumb to stroke Sander’s cheek. “That’s how I know. Mostly because I couldn’t imagine leaving you at your lowest, and… and I know you wouldn’t leave me at mine.”

Sander shook his never. “Never.”

“Because you love me.”

“Because I love you.”

“And because I love you,” Robbe whispered.

Sander whispered back. “And because you love me.”

-

They eventually fell back against the pillows and Sander held Robbe impossibly close in his arms. Robbe was nuzzled into Sander’s neck, his arm swung across Sander’s chest, holding him tightly as well. They had soft music playing, and the sun was setting. Sander could see the bright red shining through the window, casting the entire bedroom in golden light. 

It was peaceful, but Sander couldn’t get one thing off of his mind. It was heartbreaking seeing Robbe break down, and he suddenly felt this sick feeling in his stomach wondering if he had ever caused Robbe to feel that kind of pain. It started as a thought in the back of his brain and then it grew and grew and grew. That’s what his brain did. Especially on his bad days. Those thoughts knawed at his skin until he had no choice but to voice them. The last time it happened was after Sander’s breakdown, at 7am when he asked Robbe if he was coming back to him. He knew it was a silly question but he had to ask it anyway. He needed an answer or the anxiety multiplied.

It was no different now. 

“Robbe?” He finally spoke up, breaking into the peaceful silence.

“Mmm?” Robbe asked against Sander’s neck.

Sander could feel his heart speeding up. “Did I ever make you cry like that?” It sounded even more ridiculous out loud.

Robbe moved his head up so he could see Sander’s face. “Sander-”

“Robbe, please.”

Sander knew Robbe would give him an answer because Robbe always seemed to know when Sander needed something desperately. When an answer was the only thing that would calm the beating of Sander’s aching heart. Sander never had to worry about that.

Robbe wrapped a piece of Sander’s hair around his finger as he thought. “Once.”

Sander’s heart hurt. “When?”

“It’s over now-”

“Please.”

Robbe didn’t look annoyed or irritated or impatient. He just looked sad. “It was… ironically, after my dad called and he asked if you were still coming to dinner. The week you were getting help at the institution. I had to tell him that we broke up. I guess I suddenly felt everything at once.”

Sander looked at a point on the wall. He let himself picture it. Robbe hanging up the phone and breaking down. Alone. In his bedroom. It hurt physically, mentally, and Sander could feel himself disappearing in his thoughts.

The fear that he really was toxic was coming back. He imagined his veins were black as night, and they were viciously laughing as they threatened to jump out of Sander’s body and wrap tightly around Robbe’s throat and squeeze. Contaminating him. Dragging him down into the wreckage that came with being in Sander’s life. Robbe, who was golden like the sunset illuminating the bedroom, was a prime target for Sander’s toxicity to latch on to. 

Sander was spiralling. 

And Robbe was suddenly grabbing Sander’s chin lightly and tilting it so that Sander’s eyes found his.

“Look at me.”

Sander did. He looked deep into Robbe’s eyes. The eyes that were his, the eyes that found him in the art studio and promised him that everything was going to be okay. The eyes that loved him. The eyes that held so much love and affection for Sander. The eyes that Sander would walk the lengths of the earth for.

“You are the best thing that happened to me.” 

Robbe said it quietly but with the weight of the moon. He said it so certainly, as if it was engraved in the universe. 

And just like that, Sander was melting. The black in his veins was too, melting away and being replaced by the golden sunset that was soaking through his skin and engulfing him. Robbe was a part of that sunset and now so was Sander. He was grounded by Robbe’s words.

He always was.

Sander believed him. He believed him because it was Robbe. Robbe, his person. Robbe, his heart. Robbe, his world.

Sander was learning.

**Author's Note:**

> post this is based on:
> 
> https://robbeshugs.tumblr.com/post/190368994849/robbeshugs-yall-ever-think-about-how-robbes
> 
> main blog: robbeshugs  
> writing blog: dearsander
> 
> title is a lyric from the song "young gods" by gabriel rios, which is the song that played when robbe broke down in episode 9.
> 
> also go check out my chaptered fic called "the night we met". i will be updating that at the end of the week!


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